Y'know, this whole apathy thing really sucks for motivation. It's been so long that I don't even remember what the heck I was doing with this thing. Pah...
I'm going to school finally. This is my first semester, so I'm just taking general requirements, but eventually I'm going to get into graphic design. Maybe I'll post weekly assignments here or something. Not that a lot of people have seen the blog, or anything. But those who do look might give me some advice and pointers, so it's worth a try I suppose.
School is going alright so far, but it's only week four. I'm taking four classes, three of which are online. My on-campus class is Intermediate Algebra, just to brush up on before I get into stuff that I haven't actually been taught before.
My online classes are Comm 1, Humanities, and Speech. I'm pretty sure I'm going to ace Comm 1, no sweat. Humanities, I could ace if I applied myself, but...y'know, that whole motivation thing. And Speech?...Yeah, no. I'm going to tank. Hard...
I'm terribly stage-shy. Being the center of attention makes me anxious, and it makes me want to hide away and not come out for an hour. The thought that I'll eventually have to make a speech at all makes my heart sink. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just sit against a wall and record myself, but this teacher requires that you stand and have a live audience of at least 5 people...
So once I'm done with this semester, I will be so very happy. I'll start to get into the meat of the classes that I want to take, and those will hopefully all be on-campus classes, because this online stuff is hard to motivate myself to do.
Showing posts with label Nerves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nerves. Show all posts
Friday, February 8, 2013
Sunday, April 15, 2012
In the Past Year.
So. I was in Florida, further away from home than I'd ever been before. It had been a bit nerve-wracking; the first flight had been delayed and I thought for sure that I was going to miss the second. I was in a daze, and kind of lost, as I wandered through the Orlando airport, trying to find where I could get my bag. Also, the airport just plain smelled weird. I took a shuttle from the terminal to the main building, where the signs assured me that I was headed in the right direction. I headed down in an elevator, and as I stepped out, I was greeted with the sight of my boyfriend, the man I'd been talking to for two years.
He had his back to the elevators. He didn't know where I'd be coming from. So, I strode right up behind him, leaned over (I was wearing heels and we're already almost the same height), and whispered in his ear, "Orlando smells weird."...It's not the greatest thing to say to the man you've never met face-to-face before, but it breaks the ice.
He whipped around, his eyes went wide, and he just looked me up and down. Ok, I'm not that stunning, really, but...he was astounded. He'd seen me before, plenty of times. A 3-hour walk to a nearby Best Buy (to get a webcam) and back had made sure of that.
The look on his face was flattering, really. And, me being shy, I just stood there grinning like an idiot. Then we both kind of silently decided that we should go, because his mom was waiting to pick us up. We headed to baggage claim, claimed my one bag, and headed out of the airport. We wasted no time in starting conversation. We were talking all the way through the airport. Then we got to the truck, and as is habit for me when I get into a vehicle, I shut up and took in the scenery. He stared at me the whole time.
Backing up a little in this story, to two years earlier. Sixteen years old, browsing the internet in my loads of spare time, and I spy an ad on Facebook detailing exactly the game I'd been wishing for since a few years back. Dungeons and Dragons...Online! And it was free to play now! I signed up for that baby right then and there. I played for about a week, but I'd never had any experience with roleplaying before.
I was wandering through the virtual world, looking for more quests, when I got a private message from someone telling me that my character's biography was pretty good, and he was wondering if I'd be interested in joining his guild. They were all about roleplaying. I was hesitant at first, but I did join them. And I was introduced to the magical world of roleplay. I made tons of friends, and there was one guy in a public chat channel who was particularly cheeky, trading veiled innuendo with me whenever he was on.
One night, I was roleplaying, as had become my usual, when my friend Issy decided to embarrass my character...which was all to easy, with that character. So Issy called over a friend of hers. Surprise surprise, it was that same guy who I'd been joking with for about a week already. All of our previous contact had been strictly out of character, meaning our characters had never met before. My character was in for a treat that night. And so was I.
The character who sat down across from mine was a charming man, polite and roguish all at the same time. And then he changed his voice. He had been speaking with a local accent, but he switched to one that would be akin to an Irish accent, and my character was turned into a beet-red puddle of mush. Oh dear. Two relationships blossomed, one between the characters and one between the players.
Two years later, I was standing in an airport clear across the country from where I'd lived all my life, talking with that same guy...and holding his hand.
We got to the house and I went straight to the bedroom, put my bags down (I'd had carry-on, too), and sat and looked. Then I went back out to the living room and sat on the couch. I wanted so bad to just go into hiding and not come out for a week, but I knew that would be rather rude, so I sat on that couch. Of course, at that point, I'd been awake for near twenty-four hours. So I was getting tired. I eventually shuffled back to the room, crawled into my new bed, and passed out. I think I was out for about seventeen hours that day.
Everything since then has been about the same, day in and day out. I wake up, I pick up my computer, I check various accounts for messages, and then I wander through the internet. When I get tired, I put the computer back down, I curl up on the bed, and I go back to sleep.
It's gotten pretty dull, after nearly a year. To the point of frustration. I wake up, check my messages, and then stare at the screen for a few minutes before I put the computer back down and stare at a wall. Beige. I think the color can be described as beige. Very light tan-ish yellow. Blegh.
I try, for at least twelve hours, to keep myself entertained, but more often than not, I'm groaning and complaining about having nothing to do. I would be going to school, but since I haven't been here for exactly a year yet, the school would be charging me four times as much as it charges him. I would try to get a job, but it's an hour's walk to the nearest place, which happens to be a gas station. It's probably another hour to the next nearest place. I can't drive. He can't drive. We only have one truck to depend on, now, and his father uses it to get to work every day.
After somehow staying alive for another twelve hours, I flop back on the bed, and roll around for another two hours. Somehow, I finally end up slipping into a light sleep, where I stay...for about twelve hours. When I wake up again, I don't feel rested. I don't feel invigorated. I only feel bored...and frustrated. And my neck and shoulders, without fail, are tight.
Maybe I'm depressed. I probably am. He refuses to believe it. Or he does believe it but refuses to let me believe that he believes. I tell him sometimes that I think about talking to a doctor about it, but then he reminds me that we have no source of income to pay for that sort of thing. So I stare at the wall some more.
Beige.
And then I go back to sleep.
He had his back to the elevators. He didn't know where I'd be coming from. So, I strode right up behind him, leaned over (I was wearing heels and we're already almost the same height), and whispered in his ear, "Orlando smells weird."...It's not the greatest thing to say to the man you've never met face-to-face before, but it breaks the ice.
He whipped around, his eyes went wide, and he just looked me up and down. Ok, I'm not that stunning, really, but...he was astounded. He'd seen me before, plenty of times. A 3-hour walk to a nearby Best Buy (to get a webcam) and back had made sure of that.
The look on his face was flattering, really. And, me being shy, I just stood there grinning like an idiot. Then we both kind of silently decided that we should go, because his mom was waiting to pick us up. We headed to baggage claim, claimed my one bag, and headed out of the airport. We wasted no time in starting conversation. We were talking all the way through the airport. Then we got to the truck, and as is habit for me when I get into a vehicle, I shut up and took in the scenery. He stared at me the whole time.
Backing up a little in this story, to two years earlier. Sixteen years old, browsing the internet in my loads of spare time, and I spy an ad on Facebook detailing exactly the game I'd been wishing for since a few years back. Dungeons and Dragons...Online! And it was free to play now! I signed up for that baby right then and there. I played for about a week, but I'd never had any experience with roleplaying before.
I was wandering through the virtual world, looking for more quests, when I got a private message from someone telling me that my character's biography was pretty good, and he was wondering if I'd be interested in joining his guild. They were all about roleplaying. I was hesitant at first, but I did join them. And I was introduced to the magical world of roleplay. I made tons of friends, and there was one guy in a public chat channel who was particularly cheeky, trading veiled innuendo with me whenever he was on.
One night, I was roleplaying, as had become my usual, when my friend Issy decided to embarrass my character...which was all to easy, with that character. So Issy called over a friend of hers. Surprise surprise, it was that same guy who I'd been joking with for about a week already. All of our previous contact had been strictly out of character, meaning our characters had never met before. My character was in for a treat that night. And so was I.
The character who sat down across from mine was a charming man, polite and roguish all at the same time. And then he changed his voice. He had been speaking with a local accent, but he switched to one that would be akin to an Irish accent, and my character was turned into a beet-red puddle of mush. Oh dear. Two relationships blossomed, one between the characters and one between the players.
Two years later, I was standing in an airport clear across the country from where I'd lived all my life, talking with that same guy...and holding his hand.
We got to the house and I went straight to the bedroom, put my bags down (I'd had carry-on, too), and sat and looked. Then I went back out to the living room and sat on the couch. I wanted so bad to just go into hiding and not come out for a week, but I knew that would be rather rude, so I sat on that couch. Of course, at that point, I'd been awake for near twenty-four hours. So I was getting tired. I eventually shuffled back to the room, crawled into my new bed, and passed out. I think I was out for about seventeen hours that day.
Everything since then has been about the same, day in and day out. I wake up, I pick up my computer, I check various accounts for messages, and then I wander through the internet. When I get tired, I put the computer back down, I curl up on the bed, and I go back to sleep.
It's gotten pretty dull, after nearly a year. To the point of frustration. I wake up, check my messages, and then stare at the screen for a few minutes before I put the computer back down and stare at a wall. Beige. I think the color can be described as beige. Very light tan-ish yellow. Blegh.
I try, for at least twelve hours, to keep myself entertained, but more often than not, I'm groaning and complaining about having nothing to do. I would be going to school, but since I haven't been here for exactly a year yet, the school would be charging me four times as much as it charges him. I would try to get a job, but it's an hour's walk to the nearest place, which happens to be a gas station. It's probably another hour to the next nearest place. I can't drive. He can't drive. We only have one truck to depend on, now, and his father uses it to get to work every day.
After somehow staying alive for another twelve hours, I flop back on the bed, and roll around for another two hours. Somehow, I finally end up slipping into a light sleep, where I stay...for about twelve hours. When I wake up again, I don't feel rested. I don't feel invigorated. I only feel bored...and frustrated. And my neck and shoulders, without fail, are tight.
Maybe I'm depressed. I probably am. He refuses to believe it. Or he does believe it but refuses to let me believe that he believes. I tell him sometimes that I think about talking to a doctor about it, but then he reminds me that we have no source of income to pay for that sort of thing. So I stare at the wall some more.
Beige.
And then I go back to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)